So.
Yeah.
Hmmm.
Not sure where to begin, after so long away from the keyboard.
The holidays were good, and tough, and then blessedly over.
December was hard for Peanut. After discussing the possibility for over 6 months, we decided to try a SSRI medication to try to alleviate some of his anxiety. We ended up trying two different medications, and unfortunately he could not tolerate them. And by "couldn't tolerate," I mean became activated within a day of the first dosing.
On the first day of the first 1/2 tablet of the lowest dosage of the first medication, he perked up. On the second day he was in a good mood and couldn't sleep until after midnight. By the third day, he was not-quite manic and didn't get to sleep until 2 a.m., and so we stopped the medicine.
He crashed coming off that medication - was sad and depressed and angry and it was awful to see, and so we tried him on a different medicine with an oral solution that we could micro-dose him with. It seemed promising, and we kept him on a teeny tiny dose for 2 weeks. (The standard dose is 5 ml and we were giving him 10 - 20% of that.)
I found myself keeping copious notes: "12/11/10: .8ml, itchy skin, mostly happy, some frustrated tears. Very talkative, hyper physically in the evening. Gave extra melatonin as first dose seemed to have little effect. Slept 11:15 - 7:45."
We dropped the dosage: "12/14/10: .4 ml, tired, lots of stop/start sentences, distracted. Bad day at school, cranky, disrespectful to teacher. Slept 10 - 8."
We upped the dosage: 12/16/10: 8 ml. Better day - cranky at times but quick recovery. Fresh mouth and quick to offend but also very affectionate and giggly. Slept 9:45 - 6:45."
Christmas approached. Snowstorms and snow days and school parties and holiday activities, yadda yadda yadda. Moods are elevated and nothing is normal with the Big Day hanging over us. Christmas Eve arrived, and we were all set for the dramatic morning reveal and the big dinner with relatives.
The four of us were sitting around in the living room, watching tv and reading. Out of nowhere, Peanut casually said, "I don't know why, but sometimes? I look all calm on the outside, but inside I'm thinking about killing myself."
Pepper was sitting next to him and looked at me for reassurance, and in the meantime, Dr. V. had been reading the paper and was tuned out and had missed it. You know how, in dreams, you sometimes fall for a sickeningly long time and then THUD! You wake up and you are in your bed and fine? That's what it felt like, except the swirly anxiety is still in me, a month and a half later. I feel like that all the time now. It's awful.
Peanut and I talked about it for a few minutes, but then he was sick of the subject and wanted to go play on the Wii, like we'd been talking about what to eat for dinner instead of his disturbing visions of stabbing himself. It is one thing to understand that suicidal ideation is a known side effect of SSRI medication. It is another thing to have to calmly talk to your 8 year old about what he is seeing in his head when all you want to do is scream and cry at the wrongness of it.
Fast forward to now. He is off all medications except his non-stimulant ADHD medication. He is not the happiest kid on the block, but neither has he been thinking about harming himself. Those thoughts have receded, and while I miss the cheerful, sparkly boy we saw while on the medication, it isn't an option for him. We have started meeting weekly with a new therapist. School reports are the same - not real happy at school but no major outbursts, either. Life moves on.
Pepper has been pretty good through all of this. She has her own issues, but they are more mainstream and tweenish. She got braces last month, which she hates. She loves playing basketball but dislikes her team and her coach and especially all the losing. I keep telling her that life moves on and I struggle with being kind when I say she needs to get over it. I mouth platitudes like, "Each day that the braces are on is a day closer to getting them off," but the truth is that she pushes all my buttons with her negative attitude and it is a struggle to stay positive around her sometimes. I get fed up too easily and snap back, and that adds to the swirly anxiety in my head and makes us both unhappy.
She tried out for a big play and got called back, which I kept trying to tell her was great in and of itself. There were over 120 kids who tried out and only 18 got called back. Unfortunately, she then proceeded to stand up on stage at call backs looking like she had eaten something awful because she was so nervous. As soon as she finished singing, she turned to me in the audience and shook her head sorrowfully, and I thought, "Good God, child! FAKE IT! You are supposed to be acting up there - ACT HAPPY! Act like a kid the director wants to be around for the next 4 months!"
But, alas, she has No Filter, and my big fake smile from the audience was not enough to get my message across. Lots of drama when she didn't get cast, but she seems over it now. She's snippy and teary and by turns sweet and sour. I think we are okay, though. I hope so.
In the meantime, life goes on. We took a little family trip to NH this past weekend and stayed at a place with an indoor water park, so it was a mostly happy time. Peanut's fear of water miraculously went away when confronted by this:
There was, of course, the traditional First Ski Lesson Trauma, where a child falls getting off the magic carpet lift and other beginners crash into them and then they flail around on the ground crying, "I WANT TO GO HOME! I HATE SKIING!" and all the other parents smile because they are relieved it isn't their kid acting like that this time. Whatever.
Now it is February, which is like the Monday of the year. Time to get back into the swing of things, buckle down, and focus on what lies ahead. But first, more coffee.
(Reading back through this feels like I plucked just 2 or 3 colorful fish out of an aquarium teeming with life to share with you, but I hope to show you more of my fish soon.)
(I'm not trying to coin a euphemism, there - I just mean I hope to blog more regularly.)
(Wow, I am really out of practice with this blogging stuff.)
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